What are limits in kink and BDSM?
A limit is anything you are not willing - or not yet willing - to do in a sexual or BDSM context. Limits exist on a spectrum: some are absolute and permanent; others are situational, contingent on trust, or open to revisiting over time.
Understanding the distinction between different types of limits is one of the most important skills in kink. It lets you communicate clearly with partners, make informed decisions about what to try, and hold your boundaries without guilt or confusion.
The two most commonly used categories are hard limits and soft limits. These terms are widely understood in kink communities, but they're often misunderstood or used interchangeably. They're not the same thing.
Hard limits: absolute, non-negotiable, permanent
A hard limit is an activity, scenario, or dynamic that is completely off the table - full stop. No amount of trust, context, or persuasion changes this. A hard limit is not a starting point for negotiation.
Hard limits should be respected immediately and unconditionally the moment they're stated. Any partner who treats a hard limit as a target to be persuaded around is not a safe partner.
Hard limits are personal and don't require justification. "I don't want to do X" is sufficient. You don't owe anyone an explanation for a boundary.
Common categories that frequently become hard limits include: activities involving bodily fluids (for some), certain types of pain or impact, anything involving public exposure without consent, non-consensual sharing with third parties, and any activity that triggers a genuine trauma response.
Hard limits are not a sign of being inexperienced or uptight. Some of the most experienced kinksters in the world have firm hard limits they've held for decades.
Soft limits: uncertain, conditional, revisable
A soft limit is something you're not sure about - activities or scenarios that feel uncertain, mildly uncomfortable, or that you'd only consider under specific circumstances (with the right person, with enough trust, with the right setup).
Soft limits are not invitations to push. They're information about where you are right now. A partner should always check in before approaching a soft limit and never assume that "maybe someday" means "okay tonight."
Soft limits can evolve in either direction. With experience and trust, a soft limit might become something you actively enjoy. Or it might become a hard limit once you know more about yourself. Both are valid.
The key difference: a hard limit is "no, not ever"; a soft limit is "not yet, not without more discussion, not without the right conditions."
How to build a shared limits list with a partner
The most practical tool for kink negotiation is a shared limits list - sometimes called a "kink checklist" or "negotiation list." Each partner independently marks activities as Yes, No, or Maybe, then compares.
Steps for building one together:
- Do it independently first. Each person fills out their own list without discussion. This prevents social pressure from influencing responses.
- Be specific. "Bondage" covers everything from holding wrists to full suspension. Break activities into specifics so you both know what you're actually agreeing to.
- Include context. Some activities are a "yes" in private but a "no" in group settings. Add notes where context matters.
- Distinguish giving and receiving. Many people enjoy giving spanking but not receiving it (or vice versa). Separate these clearly.
- Review together without judgment. When you compare, focus on the overlaps first. Overlapping "yes" items are where you start. Save harder conversations about limits for when trust is established.
- Revisit regularly. Desires change. Review your list every few months, or after significant new experiences.
MyCherryCV's questionnaire is essentially a structured, private version of this process - covering kinks, dynamics, limits, communication styles, and aftercare needs, all in one place.
Negotiation in practice: before every new scene
Negotiation isn't just a one-time setup conversation. Before any new type of scene or activity - especially with someone you haven't done it with before - a fresh negotiation is essential.
A pre-scene negotiation should cover: what you're planning to do, hard limits for tonight, soft limits you want checked in about, safewords, how to handle aftercare, and anything either person needs to feel safe.
Keep it conversational, not bureaucratic. It doesn't need to be a formal checklist every time. But the information needs to flow between both people before the scene begins.
A useful question to end every negotiation: "Is there anything that would make you feel more comfortable or safe that we haven't covered?" This catches the things people forget to mention.
When a limit is violated: what to do
Limit violations happen - sometimes through misunderstanding, sometimes through genuine disregard. How you handle them matters enormously for your safety and for the health of the dynamic.
If a limit is violated mid-scene: use your safeword. Stop. Come out of any role or dynamic completely. Address what happened directly, not in-scene.
After a limit violation: talk about it when both people are calm and grounded. Was it a misunderstanding? A communication failure? Or did someone knowingly push past a stated limit? The answer determines what comes next.
A partner who genuinely didn't know (because the limit wasn't communicated clearly) and responds with care and accountability is very different from a partner who knew and pushed anyway. One is a communication issue; the other is a safety issue.
Trust your instincts. If something felt wrong, it was wrong - even if you can't fully articulate why yet.